Ramblings....or ....Xanga Therapy!

Okay guys...this post may sound like gibberish and feel free to skim or skip it all together but I just need to talk these things out.  I tried talking with my dh but boy what help he was...he is now snoring!

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you just woke up to someone else's life?  I feel like wow, when did this happen...how did my children get so big?  When?  Where was I?  Did you know I will be 26 this year? Maybe I have been in a coma most their lives that or I am going crazy because I feel like I have hardly any memories of them and Morgan is about to be 5 years old and Brayden 2 years old.  Not that I am a bad mother or anything...Just feeling like I have missed out on so much in their lives.  Or maybe it is seeing the difference from being a working mom to a SAHM.  I look at my children with amazement some days and wonder who raised such smart and astonishing children.  Seriously my 4 yo talks and relates like a 10 year old, sometimes it is hard to discipline her because I expect her to be so grown up...I have to take a step back and realize she is still a baby (not much of one since she will be starting school in the fall but still ).  At 4 yo I wasn't cleaning my room, obeying all the time, taking care of my siblings or even looking out for them....yet here I am expecting her to clean up after herself and do it the right way, my way, I expect her to understand what I want from her and do it, I want her to help her brother not fight with him...you know set a good example....but I wonder if that is not all too much for a 4 yo.  Am I too hard on her?  Am I just second guessing myself because I know her better than anyone else and want to keep her a baby forever...or have I really been pushing her too hard?  Why don't they come with a manual again?  And Brayden...we have been working on using words instead of lashing out and hitting, biting or pinching....because lets face it he is almost two and becoming a bit of a bulley to me so I keep reminding him to use words ie I'm mad, share, play nice, be sweet, etc.  So imagine my surprise when I was checking my e-mail and I hear a shrieking "I MAAD!, I Mad, I MMMaad! (as if it was all he could do to contain himself from hurting his sister).  It almost made me cry....he gets it, he is really getting and understanding me....I must not be such a terrible mother afterall, Right!  He didn't hit her or bite her, he used his words and I rewarded him for it by making her give it up (the toy he wanted, since she had one of her own similar).  I was so proud of him....then later today, we have been working fairly successfully at the potty training thing and only wearing a diaper at nap and bedtime....Brayden usually starts going in his pants before telling me or rushing to the bathroom and I have to change him and wash clothes religiously but  he refuses to wear diapers for any length of time....so this afternoon I was making lunch and I hear his feet pattering down the hall so I go see what he is up to and he is standing at the bathroom door holding himself and saying I poop I poop! in urgency so I follow him and he hasn't wet his pants at all yet and he goes successfully....now tell me that isn't a smart boy.  I know he can do it and he loves wearing big boy pants, so this will be easier than I thought...I had been dreading the whole boys take a year longer than girls to be truly ready to PT...but not this boy, in fact he is doing better than his sister did by about 3 months!  I am so happy being home with them...I never felt this satisfaction from working outside of the home.  I not only give my children the best hours of me and my time but I also have to time to accomplish household things on a daily basis...no more saving it all for the weekend and then wishing the weekend were longer so I have time to rest and enjoy it!  Even with keeping children in my home I still manage to get more done then when I worked.  However from my experience I work harder now than I did when I worked in an office!  But it is a satisfactory work, because I am making a difference in my children and other children's lives.  I can't tell you how much these school aged kids are learning from our daily devotionals (yes I have their parents permission and blessing to do this) but these kids were truly lost and even though they are Christians according to their mother they didn't know any of the stories of the bible....Morgan catches them up when they are confused or lost.....I thought they knew at least a couple of bible stories based on the fact that Sunday school is for just that and anyone who attends church regularly should have known at least one.  Now had the mother not said oh yeah we are baptist and they go to Sunday school and Church on Sundays and we say grace, I wouldn't be so bold as to expect them to know anything about the bible but since she came out and said so I was shocked.  But it has been a fun learing experience and I enjoy the insightful questions they have because I think Morgan gets alot from listening to their questions...she loves mostly to be able to answer them.  I love my children and I love seeing them thrive from my being home with them.  That is not to say that some days I wouldn't like to run away and never look back or pull all my hair out one strand at a time than hear one more bickering about this or that.  Children do those things....I feel like I have made a million memories since being home, yet I can hardly remember the big ones from before.  We have lived in our house for almost a year now...and wow where did that year go...we bought this place in Sept!  Things just keep moving along no matter what you try to stop it.  I am no longer depressed...I have days where I have unexplained anxiety but I love getting up in the mornings and going thru our routine and finding new things to do with the kids and watching their faces light up when we do new things.  I love getting out of the house again....I am still a bit irritable but not abnormally so.  My dh and I have had our ups and downs in the past 2 months with my being home but we seem to be communicating better too now.  It is amazing what some good prayer and some family therapy (family time) can do for depression.  I know some of you may say but you must not have been depressed sure maybe blue but not depressed, but I beg to differ.  All I wanted to do before was sleep, I hated leaving the house even for work, I did just what I had to do to get thru the day, I couldn't stand myself or my dh, I was annoyed with my daughter and live just sucked and I didn't know where it was coming from.  I went to church but even that became a chore not for pleasure.  I didn't take meds but prayer and others prayers and my children cleared my head.  I am very fortunate to have 2 wonderful children, a home (may not be much of one but it is mine), a dh, income coming in, 3 vehicles, family...not many IRL friends but tons on the internet...I am truly blessed.  So what if my house needs repairs and new carpet and roof, so what if it is just big enough for my family, so what if it isn't really made for entertaining, so what if my cars are in need of repairs, so what if my children aren't the brightest, cutest (although I think they are), All of these are blessings....The lord has blessed me and entrusted me with more than I deserve and for that I am forever grateful!  Thank you to all my family and friend who are reading this, I hope you all know how much you mean to me....I love you all!  I guess I will quit all this rambling and multi- topics because it is almost midnight now and I need to go to bed.  Until next time.....

update

Hi guys...things are going ...well they are just going here!  I became a SAHM the 1st of May, which has always been a dream of mine but in this case it was forced on me and I can't financially afford it.  So I have been keeping a couple kids here to make up my lost income.  I guess I should say I absolutely love being home with my children...mostly. lol  Brayden is such a momma's boy already that being home with him has made things a bit difficult--he wants to be held alot and is jealous of the other babies here, but he is learning so much more since I have been home...I know some of it is probably attributed to his age...he will be 2 in July but seriously after being home for 1 week he was talking so much more and in sentences!  He is taking an interest in books and learning finally....I posted on the board before how he just wasn't interested in being still and learning anything.  He is doing pretty well with his colors (red, blue, yellow, purple and organge)...green is just a lost cause!  He also does all the animals now but can easily be swayed to change his mind if someone else makes a different sound...it is so funny to say what does a duck say and his reply is duck, quack, gobble gobble!  My brother likes to say Gobble gobble so when he is around he says gobble gobble for every bird and Brayden is picking up on it! I am just so glad to be witnessing 1st hand his milestones!  I can't believe he is almost 2 years old...My God, where did the time go?  Morgan is quite a handful lately...she really hates sharing me with the little girl I keep, she has no problem telling me she wants her to leave!  Morgan has started the backtalking and some serious attitude since I have been home...sometimes I want to beat the snot out of her!  She has been sent to her room, where she wails and screams, she has lost every single toy she has and had to earn it back, she has been spanked and she laughs at me.  I seriously don't know what to do with her.  Everyone says she is so well behaved when I am not around...wonder what it is about me that makes her act out?  If anyone has any advice on how to raise a strong-willed and stubborn child like her I would love some tips.  So I am currently keeping a 1 year old girl on Tues. and Thurs....a 2 year old boy on a rotating schedule and I just got 3 school aged kids for the summer but only 3 days a week...so my income is drasticly picking up! If any were here all week I would be making more than I did working but since everyone is a part time basis it doesn't equal as much as you would think.  I have never been a SAHM so for those of you like me who don't know what it is like...let me the typical....my 2 get up...one or 2 are dropped off and watch noggin while I make everyone breakfast (forget cooking anymore I am strictly a cereal, oatmeal, pancakes kinda gal now!  Then we play with bubbles in the house while we wait on it to warm up outside, we play outside but not for too long because the kids get bored and start fighting over every outdoor toy.  Then we come in and they destroy my house...1st Brayden's room, which I actually prefer because it is mostly toys and everything has a place but then when that room is trashed they begin bringing things out of there to the living room, kitchen, dining room anywhere there is a square inch.  While they do this I pick up Brayden's room and Morgan's room which is supposed to be off limits, change some diapers ( no one is potty trained and Brayden is the closest to being).  We have a morning snack...then some dancing and games (hokey pokey, nursery rhymes, ring around the rosies)  They play some more in the toy room while I pick up the dining and kitchen area to cook lunch...we all sit down and eat...I then clean up 3 toddlers and make Morgan wash up while I clean the kitchen she blows bubbles with them and then diaper changes and  Nap time...finally nap time!  Everyone naps well for the most part...the 1 y.o.  whines and has to watch a movie to take a nap but the others all go down quietly.  I actually have 1 hour to get my house straightened and chill out before everyone gets up.  When everyone is awake they have a snack and juice and we do an activity together (going outside, playdough, finger painting, playing games).  So diaper changes and juice all day long...3 toddlers in my lap for stories....2 meals and sometimes 2 snacks...more diaper changes and juice...cleaning up and cleaning up and that is my day.  The one good thing and I guess bad thing too is that while being home...i eat less (amounts and quality)  I don't know but I would guess this is typical, for breakfast I don't eat because I don't have the time...for lunch I eat whatever Brayden didn't eat (which lately is most his plate) but still that is a kiddie portion...that I have to gobble down before I can clean up the kitchen and feed the dog!  My whole day is a rush and then my dh gets home and is whining about his day at work and how this or that hurts and he just wants to take a shower and relax.  But all and all it is pretty nice.  I still perfer to be home!  My house is cleaner believe it or not...I wash dishes and vaccum and do laundry everyday, which makes for a cleaner place right!  I dust one day a week during nap time, I clean floors one day a week during nap time and I still clean bathrooms on Sat. morning but that is all I have to do, not like before where I spent half of Sat. cleaning the house and had little to no time to do anything else.  Anyway...that is what is up with us and I just wanted to post an update here, in case anyone was missing me or wondering what happened.  I won't be on line as much anymore but I will try to post  updates and read some here and there!

Toodles

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